Welcome to my “Should Show!” I admit that I am guilty of saying that word both aloud and in my head way too many times every day. And I hear others doing the same, in a variety of variations. “I should…” “I should have…” “I should never…” “I should always…” and the list goes on.
How can we stop should-ing all over ourselves, and learn something in the process?
Step 1: Identify the should
It isn’t hard to come up with more than a few examples…
“I should call my clients more frequently.”
“I should be making more money.”
“I should spend more (or less) time at my work.”
“I should not let other people down.”
“I should dust off my paints and easel.”
“I should have a spotless home.”
“I should have spent less money last month.”
“I should exercise every day.”
Think about the Shoulds that show up over and over again for you. Write them down so that you can see them clearly.
Step 2: Dig into the should
Deep breath… that is to get yourself past the guilt and remorse when looking at the list. The fact that these repeatedly show up means that there is something you are missing. Trust me, there is a message there.
For each Should, consider the following questions.
- Whose voice is behind this? Whether you heard this directly, indirectly, or picked it up as an implication, where did it come from?
- How long has it been with you?
- Why is it still here? What is the hurdle or friction that has kept you from acting on it to date?
- Is this true for who you are today?
- What emotions come with this Should?
- What might happen if you never do this Should?
Step 3: Put the should where it belongs
Look at your answers to the above questions. You may see them falling into a few different categories.
Shoulds that do not serve you.
These are dead weight. You have carried it long enough. Make a commitment to recognize each of these when (not if) you say them again, and remind yourself that this should is not part of who you are you today.
Shoulds that align with you today.
These are not actually Shoulds. Reframe them as “musts”. These are an integral part of your path forward into alignment with your values, strengths, and skills. It is where you are meant to go. So get to work on taking the first steps in that direction.
Shoulds that have something to teach us.
These are the ones that don’t fall cleanly into either of the first two categories. This Should needs a little more unpacking.
Are you facing the right challenge, but need to adjust the “how” or the “why” in order to get through it?
Is there an underlying fear that you need to address?
What is the message that this Should is telling you?
Spend a little more time digging into these to see them more clearly. Talk to someone else about it. Pay attention to which situations it shows up in.
Share your thoughts
What “Shoulds” do you hear people say frequently?
What else might someone learn from their “Should” list?
Share your thoughts in the comments or PM me.
Read more
This is the second in a series of blogs exploring how we can become more aware of our own alignment, both professionally and personally. Check out the rest of the series.
Compliments – How can they help with alignment?
Stories – what is the moral of your childhood story?
For further reading on shoulds, see Elle Luna’s article from a few years ago, “The Crossroads of Should and Must,” on Medium.com.
P.S. Knowing what your compass looks like today is a key first step in alignment. Start that adventure in the Creating My Compass course.