As a child, I tended to look to others, especially my brother, for input on how I should move through my own life. He was less than a year and a half older than me, and only one year ahead of me in school. We moved often from state to state due to my father’s career and we usually lived outside of town limits. This meant that he and I spent a lot of time together and often operated in overlapping circles of friends. We were close in age and close in connection.
I grew up striving to fit in. For me, this manifested as longing to be liked and included by my brother. He was the closest, most consistent person in my life. He also was living a life I could only dream of. He was outgoing, quick to make friends and make people laugh, and willing to risk failure by trying new things. I longed to be like him, to be around him, to absorb his strengths. Looking back, I was likely the stereotypical annoying little sister to him. I wanted to be a part of so many things that he was involved in. He was my confidante, protector, and partner.
The narrative abruptly changed just after I finished my junior year of high school. I was traveling that summer and received an unexpected and devastating phone call from my parents. Come home… car accident… did what they could… he is gone. The words didn’t make sense at first. But I knew my life changed indelibly as of that call. One moment my mentor, guide, and inspiration was there, and the next he was gone. The footprints that I was so diligently following stopped moving forward. In front of me was an unmarked path.
I found myself in an unfamiliar place without a guide. I had been enjoying the ride, being pulled by the momentum of my brother’s path. And when the guide wire was cut, I was in freefall. I felt like a paper airplane that had been launched into the breeze without a hand guiding it. So I did what seemed easiest. I turned on autopilot. I let it keep me moving forward, and let the winds shift my direction as they came along.
I had not replaced my original mentor with a new one. I let momentum carry me forward on winds that may not have been meant for me. I followed the “natural” path which unfolded in front of me, and said yes to the opportunities that showed up along the way because, well, they showed up. Aptitude in math led to a decision of major in college and on to grad school. My career decision was based on what I had seen success in to date. Accomplishments in my early career opened doors to bigger and more challenging roles.
The options presented along the way were reasonable. I had no complaints. I was in a comfortable place, and still enjoying autopilot. It took very little energy to let life happen and sit back to enjoy the ride. I didn’t realize that my internal compass was pointing a somewhat different direction.
Years later, I was compelled to reflect on where I was and what I had achieved. I saw a pleasant picture. I was challenged, had built marketable skills, and found success in an interesting career. I had a loving family. I engaged in hobbies that kept me learning. I continued to travel and experience the world. So why did the landscape feel like it was in black and white, void of the vibrant colors that I could sense were out there? I was on a flight path that was not entirely mine.
It turns out that the two primary drivers of my life to date, while they did not steer me too far off course, had left me adrift. It was time for me to reach inside and find that internal compass. It was time to put my own hands on the controls.
I spent time looking back at the path I had traveled and found elements along the way that spoke to the true me. I saw how often connection to people and nature showed up. I noticed the inner joy that I felt when I helped others succeed. As I saw the reflection of my true self in the threads connecting my past, I became more aware of my innate strengths and the values that I had been intuitively relying on. While they evolved over time, I could see that when I was involved in things that nurtured my true nature, I was most successful and happy.
There was no going back. It became clear that the best navigator and pilot is me.
Using my values and strengths as a compass, I embarked on a new, more deliberate, course. I identified ways to make room in my current environment to turn toward new directions. I set new goals that would allow me to grow in the strengths I have. I embarked on a new journey in which I am setting my own flightpath and following it. I feel the sense of accomplishment more deeply due to the alignment with the core of who I am. I am more willing to get out of my comfort zone since I know that where I am meant to be is on the other side.
My experience is not unique. There are a lot of ways that we may be giving up the controls of our life to others, or to the winds. When things are going well, we can allow ourselves to believe that the path is the right one. Comfortable feels good. We can be successful without being in the driver’s seat. We forget that growth happens fastest and is deepest when it is aligned with our truth, not with other people or with convenience.
I had spent much of my life shadowing others or coasting on autopilot at the whim of the winds of opportunity. I do not intend to leave these by the wayside. Instead I recognize them for what they are – tools that I can use to achieve the specific growth I desire.
I have started selectively and deliberately looking to mentors and people who have connected to my own path. I look to them not to follow, but to learn from their unique perspectives and strengths.
I also keep my eyes on the horizon for opportunities that may appear and my heart open to new possibilities that may arrive on the winds. I can evaluate these opportunities in the light of my own goals and take advantage of the right ones, not just the convenient ones. Through the lens of my own strengths and values, I can more accurately identify the ones to reach for and the ones to let pass by.
I am eternally grateful for the path that I have followed, and for the learning that has come through it. And I am excited to now see my own hands on the controls as I align to my true path.