An Epic Battle with Fear

My 10 year old daughter stared down, past her feet, at the 30 foot drop below her. She refused to jump. She needed to jump. Fear had taken hold and was not going to give up the fight. The three of us battled it out on a four foot platform in the trees – my daughter, her fear, and me – for almost an hour. 

In the end, I am not sure that anybody won, but I walked away reminded of a few life lessons. 

• I don’t always have the answers, and that is okay. 
• There is value in just being with someone as they fight their battles.
• Not every fear is meant to be conquered – it can be respected and lived with. 
• Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities. 
• Patience, padawan!

The full story? 

We were on a family adventure at a ropes course. There were a variety of elevated obstacle courses through the trees. Each course ranged from easy (green) to hard (black) levels and had a unique mix of challenges to take on. 

We were harnessed up and clipped in throughout, so safe from falls. The key was that once you started a course, you were committed to everything on that course. Courses were one direction only. 

There was someone at the start of each course that let you know about the most challenging elements, so you were not going in blind. 

To finish the “Ewok Village” route, you had to jump off a platform and allow a repelling mechanism to lower you to the ground in a controlled fall. The platform was about 30 feet off the ground. 

My youngest daughter has a fear of heights. She brought along a friend, so they had been tackling the first few challenges by cheering each other on and taking on each obstacle in spite of the heights. 

I happened to be following them on the Ewok Village course, along with my husband. As we neared the final challenge, we watched as her friend hitched up her harness and leapt fearlessly off the platform, landing safely and softly on the ground below. 

By the time it was my daughter’s turn to go, my husband and I had caught up with her on the final platform. 

She hitched up and stepped up to the edge. We cheered her on. She looked over the edge… stepped back to the middle of the platform… and refused to go. A little more encouragement from us, a few tips from her friend on the ground, and still it was, “Nope, can’t do it.”

Her fear was elbowing in and challenging her to battle. My husband, who had been managing his own fear of heights that morning, volunteered to go before her so that he could show her that it was safe for a full grown adult to go. A minute later he was hitched up, stepped off the platform, and found himself safely on the ground. 

Our daughter remained unimpressed, although she hitched up and once again stepped to the edge. And again, she looked down, shook her head, and refused to go. No amount of cajoling or encouragement from her friend below was making a difference.

She unhitched and moved back to the middle of the platform while I reached into my bag of tricks. 

Try sitting on the edge and just sliding over.

Nope.

Just take one nice easy step – you don’t have to jump. 

Nope. 

I tried to guilt. Look at your friend down there waiting for you so that you can both have some more fun. Don’t you want her to have a fun time as well? She’d love to do some more routes with you. 

Bribery. There’s a great ice cream place on the way home. You get to choose the size and flavor you want if you just jump off this ledge. 

Coaching. What was the hardest obstacle you already faced today? How excited will you be when you can look back at completing this challenge? 

Distraction. What’s your favorite animal? Let’s watch some of the other people on the other courses and see how they’re doing. Do you see any interesting birds in the trees? 

The whole time, her friend and her dad were giving encouragement from below.

The minutes ticked on. I continued talking with my daughter. She was slowly weaving from “I can’t” to “I can, but I won’t.” to “I’ll be embarrassed because all these people that are watching will cheer,” and back. Her fear was fluid, and I could see it changing, though progress was slow. The battle in her head raged on.

As other adventurers came through, we would show them how to hook up and cheer them on as they stepped off for their safe descent. 

We stayed on the platform. Some of our time was spent in silence, watching others maneuver the courses around us. I found my own mind struggling to hold back my frustration and searching desperately for another angle to try. 

We had been standing on that platform for close to an hour. I had exhausted most of my tools. 

My oldest daughter was finishing another course near us. At the end of that course was an even higher jump. We were watching her hitch up on the final platform, when she paused and looked over at us. She hollered over to ask if my youngest daughter would step off at the same time as her. 

I held my breath. Nothing so far had worked. I didn’t want to jinx it. 

“Yes” my youngest said quietly. She slowly stood up, stepped around the center pole, and hitched herself one more time to the rope. 

She looked down and hesitated. Fear was trying to get another foothold. I reminded her to look up and over at her big sister. Just keep looking at your sister. On the count of three, step forward. 

It worked! She stepped off, the mechanism lowered her slowly down, and she arrived safely at the ground below. 

That was genius! Why didn’t I think of that? I tucked that idea into my bag of tricks for another day. 

As soon as she sent the line back up, I strapped myself in and stepped off, relieved that we had finally found the end of that challenge. 

Will she do that course again and take on another jump off of the platform? An immediate “No.” I believe her. 

She didn’t overcome her fear. But she did face it down that once. And that alone, will serve her well. She knows her limits. She also knows that it is possible to take on what looks like an impossible challenge. With patience and the right opportunity, she can take that leap of faith.

A little ice cream on the way home doesn’t hurt, either.